We may talk a big game and watch some downright nasty flicks at times, but deep down the Graveside Crew are just a bunch of softies that love Christmas as much as children. Here are our individual picks, films that have become a part of our Christmas traditions year in and year out. Enjoy!
GODZMASSACRE: Author & Reviewer, Death Rapper, Resident Movie Junkie
Scrooged
Dick, a T.V. studio executive putting on a huge inappropriate version of A Christmas Carol finds his world turning into that of the Scrooge character. He is visited by his versions of the 4 ghosts, and is tortured by them along the way to becoming a better man. The ghost’s are a crazy bunch of characters, and Bill Murray plays a good…well……’Dick’. The jokes work for the most part, but the movie falls apart when the human characters lose there credibility through unbelievable actions.
Two Front Teeth
The movie begins with an introduction to rag sheet reporter Gabe Snow (He writes for a fictional National Enquirer type news paper) trying to find a good Christmas story. A man missing an ear gives Gabe a gun, and tells him he’ll need it when he gets home. Meanwhile, at home, Gabe’s wife is cheating on him with a mall Santa. Once he is done filling her ‘stocking’ he leaves the room and gets decapitated by a Demon Elf. When Gabe gets home, he finds his wife tied up, and her male mistress’ head riding a toy caboose. The bickering couple then hot wire cheating Santa’s festive eyesore parked outside and drive to one of Gabe’s Santa informants. The informant tells the couple they must protect Rudolph’s nose from the evils of the North Pole and shows them it is still attached to Rudolph’s head which is mounted on his wall. The group fights to protect the nose throughout the rest of the movie, culminating in a funny battle between Clausferatu and the real St. Nick. This B-movie’s great effects, ninja nuns, and decent acting unfortunately can’t save it from an awful script that is packed with way too many Christmas puns. A less is more approach would have done wonders for the film as it feels like it is about 15-20 minutes too long which can easily be blamed on filler dialogue.
Treevenge
While our intent is to give as much as we can to the ones we love through the holidays, one could argue that we are at our greediest during the season. We become gluttons of our environment from the feasts we eat until it feels as though we will burst, to the material goods we expect while in others company. While we give, the selfish thoughts spin webs into the backs of our brains which we struggle to hide as disappointment creeps through when we get that inevitable crappy gift. All the while, we do this in front of tacky, decorated trees; who look on in disgust.
That thought is the driving force behind the 16 or so minute short, Treevenge. A group of crazed lumberjacks chop and hack through the new crop of Christmas trees, hungry for holiday profits while the trees chirp and shudder in a confused panic as they get separated and shipped off to sale yards. The tree’s language is subtitled telling the story of their torture and desperation before they group together to massacre the entire town. Treevenge is a gory 16 minute slay ride through Hell that has to be seen to be believed. No excuse should keep you from witnessing the Treevenge as it is free in all it’s uncut glory, on YouTube.
Santa Clause Conquers the Martians
1964’s Santa Clause Conquers the Martians is the strangest Christmas movie I have ever seen. Santa, while Ho Ho Ho-ing and chuckling, gets kidnapped by Martians who want him to make the children from Mars act like children again rather than the robots they have been programmed to be. The so-bad-it’s-good fun begins to diminish in the second half. In the right company, Santa Clause Conquers the Martians will be a decent watch for something a little different than the norm if nobody minds the nails-on-chalkboard feel of carolling.
HELGHASTLY: Editor in Chief, Web Designer, Metal Head, Video Game Addict
When the Christmas decorations come out of the box and the tree goes up in the living room, one movie always comes off the shelf and makes it’s way into my DVD player every year. While it’s not a horror film, it is written by one of my favourite movie peeps, John Hughes. Featuring a very young Macaulay Culkin in his pre hanging out with Michael Jackson days, the movie is none other than Home Alone.
Home Alone
Home Alone is one of my favourite movies for Christmas because it’s funny, heartwarming and reminds me of my childhood. I must have only been around Nine years old when I first watched it. It’s funny how all of the characters look so different now that I’m Thirty. Kevin’s mean old brother Buzz, who once was a terrifying older brother in the beginning, now looks like a chubby, pimply faced geek that would get slapped around. Macaulay Culkin, who was my age when he made the film, now looks so young and tiny. I’d forgotten how little he was when Home Alone was made and it only reminds me that I was probably the same size myself! I think it must have been every young kid’s dream to be left in Kevin’s position and have the whole house to yourself!
Even today I still find Kevin McCallister an enjoyable brat to watch. His witty remarks and insolent behaviour still make me chuckle and his traps are still as amusing as ever as he foils the idiotic Wet Bandits heist plans (played by Joe Pesci & Daniel Stern). I would enjoy seeing these two team up again, because as these two morons, they were very entertaining. Catherine O’Hara & John Heard round out the cast as Kevin’s loving but forgetful parents. Every Christmas I delightfully yell out “Guys I’m eating junk and watching rubbish, you’d better come out and stop me!”
Black Christmas
While not a festive, feel good movie per se, Black Christmas is a damn good one. Featuring one of the creepiest psychopaths I have ever watched, this movie still sends chills up my spine every time. He spews nasty profanity and whispers sweet nothings into Margot Kidder’s drunken ear, he wraps sorority girls up in Saran wrap and he creeps into the house while everyone is asleep just like good ol’ Saint Nick. What’s not to love?!
In one of my favourite scenes from the film, the killer is giving chase all around the house seeking his victim. He approaches a locked door and peers through the door lock. The camera immediately focuses in on the lock and the killers eye twitching feverishly back and forth, scanning the room for his victim is shown in full view. It’s an amazingly creepy and well shot scene, and is one of the best I’ve seen in any horror film. Amongst a slew of mindless, formulaic slashers Black Christmas is a completely unique and accomplished piece of work. Focusing more on suspense and storytelling rather than violence and gore, the killer is never seen, nor is his true identity ever revealed. This film is a Canadian Horror masterpiece and it is a damn shame that Director Bob Clark (Porky’s, Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things) passed away a few years back. If you haven’t seen Black Christmas yet, it comes highly recommended from The Graveside. Avoid the absolutely insulting piece of shit remake that came out in 2006 and see this original, the remake is a joke.
MORBID: Editor, Reviewer, Metal Head, Connoisseur of Fine Literature
Drop Dead Fred
My favourite movie to watch during Christmas is not a nightmare-inducing flick, it’s Drop Dead Fred. This will always be my quintessential Christmas movie because I watched it on many a Christmas morning with a cousin who is as close to a sister as I will ever have and it has always reminded me of the anticipation, excitement and familial feelings of Christmas.
The movie stars a young Phoebe Cates as Elizabeth, an unstable young woman whose husband (Tim Matheson) is cheating on her with a trashy-looking blonde named Annabella (Bridget Fonda). Lizzy goes back to her childhood home to lick her wounds when she inadvertently releases her childhood imaginary friend from a toy he was trapped in. This all sounds positively harmless, except Lizzie’s imaginary friend is Fred (Rik Mayall).
Fred proceeds to not only, not help Elizabeth in any way, shape or form, but he actually manages to make many situations much, much worse! He starts food fights, sinks a houseboat and disrobes a waiter all while Elizabeth is trying to get her husband back. Still, while Fred plays a lot of silly games, in the end, Lizzie realizes that having Fred back in her life was just the thing she needed to remember who she really is and what is truly important…puking and mudpies!
What I like about Fred is that he has absolutely no filter whatsoever. Whether it comes to finding out what is up Lizzie’s mothers dress (cobwebs) or figuring out what to do with boogers (wipe them on someone else’s face), you can’t help but appreciate that Fred has no consideration for weak stomachs or dainty ears. A perfect Christmas treat for the whole family.
