The Story
Somewhere in a cold climate, a research team uncovers a deadly parasite frozen within its vessel under the ice. If you think this storyline sounds familiar, it’s probably because it is. It came out in 1982, was a loose remake of Howard Hawks-Christian Nyby’s “The Thing From Another World”, which was based on the classic novella “Who Goes There?” by John W. Campbell Jr. So I must ask everyone involved, if you’re going to rehash something that already exists, why not make it good? Furthermore, if you can’t make it good then why make it at all? I mean it’s not like “The Thing” is under the radar by any means. It’s a cult classic, released on DVD more than once, was given both the comic, and video game treatment, and even inspired multiple action figures. Who did you honestly think you were going to fool?
The Characters
The characters have about as much personality in them as the worm-infested mammoth frozen in the ice. Instead of an epically bearded Kurt Russell, this time we are treated to a mopey blonde-streaked Val Kilmer who is trying to rebuild the crumbling relationship he has with his daughter, who is played with an irritating blandness, by “Last House On the Left’s Martha Maclsaac. Now don’t get me wrong I loved Maclsaac in both Last House, and SuperBad, but this girl is no Keith David!
Effects/Gore
The parasites (in this case: worms) looked as though they came from an animation classes’ amateur hour. Nowhere near as menacing as the many award-winning forms of “The Thing.” The worms lay eggs under the skin, leaving victims looking as though they are covered in an infectious caviar. In stereotypical fashion, the victims begin lopping off limbs to prevent the eggs from hatching. The makeup effects aren’t bad, but also fail to bring anything even remotely new to the table.
Lasting Appeal
I saw this piece of trash free on my PVR and struggled not to leap for the FFWD button from the 20 minute mark of painfully familiar cliche.
Final Headcount
A few months back I saw another Thing-esque flick starring Ron Perlman called “The Last Winter”. As much as it ripped from “The Thing” it also had tension, emotion, atmosphere, good gore, and enough genuine originality to stand on it’s own. Maybe I shouldn’t make so many comparisons to “The Thing”, or maybe they shouldn’t have made “The Thing” with annoying twenty-somethings who act like teenagers. Now strap “The Thaw” down for a blood test, let’s expose this impostor for what it truly is!
